Holy shit, its been years.
Yep, kata itulah yang kadang kita ucapkan ketika kita sudah lama tidak melakukan sesuatu/bertemu seseorang dan sebagainya. In this case, its been years since i log on my blog. 3 years to be exact. This blog is getting dusty, well whatever im not a clean freak so ill leave it dusty.
Its 2015, im now 22 years old and on 4th years of my college days. Whats been happening? What am i up to? What will i become?
Honestly, things turn from good to worse. I dont know yet if its will be my worst, but boy, sure i have a worst time since my birth. I miss my old self, yeah. Nothing good been happening around me. Loneliness and Depression are my friend. A 22 years old man with no goal, no motivation, just wanna keep living for god knows how long i still want to live.
Things been shit around me that make me want to do something unthinkable. Someone once told me that my life will be full of shit until im 27 years old. Until then, he told me to enjoy my suffering. Well, i guess slowly but sure, i walked toward his propechy.
No one care about me, like no one at all, except for my parents which i appreciate. They are parents afterall. But deep down, i always wonder. What if they had a chance to change me with other parents son, like swapping son? Will they do it? I guess they wont hesitate to do it since ive been an asshole for months. Im an ungrateful son if i may say.
Ive been into this weaboo stuff. I guess this is the root cause beside myself that made me like this. Theres this series that have MC we can relate to. One of the best monolog ive heard is this :
"“What if?”
This is a “what if?” scenario.
What if life was like a game where you could load up a save file and
go back to a point where you could alter your choice? Would your life
change in any way?
The answer is a resounding no.
Only those who were blessed with choices would benefit. To those who
never had those choices in the first place, that hypothetical scenario
was meaningless.
As such, there would be no regrets. More accurately, it was life itself that was the epitome of regrets.
That’s how it was.
There was also the “little too late” scenario. Once you got started
on “what if” scenarios, you wouldn’t see the end of it. Nothing would
change regardless of the answer you gave. The moment you had settled on a
decision, it was already too late to take it back.
Ifs, parallels, and loops were constructs that didn’t exist in this
world. In short, the scenarios in life were all linear. Preaching for
possibilities was nothing but a futile effort.
I was fully aware of how wrong I was. The world, however, was a bigger perpetrator than I was.
It was ridden with wars, poverty, discrimination and a bunch of other
things. Job hunting could easily go unrewarded with absolutely no
offers. Even part time jobs took your pocket change as collateral
damage, particularly in the cases where you had to cover the missing
amount from your own pocket when you had to do a money count.
So where exactly did this world’s truth exist? A truth defined by the
wrongdoings of this world couldn’t be called a truth at all.
On the other hand, the truth may very well be in the form of all that was wrong in that world instead.
But, was there any meaning in trying to prolong something that was bound to end?
Eventually, you’ll lose everything. This was an absolute truth.
But still, even so.
The eventual loss of everything had beauty to it.
The eventual end of everything had meaning to it. Even things like
temporary repose, a combination of stagnation and uncertainty in life,
would eventually be something you couldn’t deal with anymore.
Coming to terms with these truths was what you should be doing.
One day, sure enough, you’ll look back on the things you had lost as
if they were treasures you had come to adore and as if they were similar
to the happiness of drinking sake by yourself."
Pretty long monolog, eh. Yep, but that was a great point. As i hate to say, i think i want to reload my old save point and change all my shit thats been happening to my life.
I think someone must Suicide Watch me.
